Acceptance.
I’ve been struggling with the ways I have set some things up lately. We all get into patterns, habits, and cycles that we are aware of, not so aware of and that we say in our head I need to deal with this. Eventually it is going to come back to bite me.
Saying to myself when I get through this, complete this thing, this week I will or at this point I will start coming back to doing the things I know I need to do in my life. These things I need to do in my life are actually quite simple and at the same time the easiest to push aside. Because they are all things that have to do with my well being.
I know for my success, for myself and for me to show up the best for others, to heal others which is my daily intention and affirmation I need to do these things. It is a cycle of completion for me. A cycle of giving and receiving back so I can give again. These things for me are alone time, meditation, my morning practice and exercise. I have a family. I have a busy practice. I have the commitment to show up in every level of my life as full as I can except to myself. And that is no one’s fault but mine. I have support to hold this space. This is just a life long pattern of destruction to myself that needs dismantling.
I’ve been burning the candle for a while now. I would get moments of respite, of a little charge and I would be right back out. Not resentful. Just tired.
Earlier this month I started a meditation series called the Path to Empowerment. The path to empowerment does not come through the ego, the false habitual part of our self that runs our daily show. It comes from allowing yourself time with your true self. I was reclaiming 20 minutes of silence for myself a day. And this always allows me reflection and fresh perspective rather than getting sucked into all the things that can go wrong in one’s day.
Monday November 25th I was tired. And I was scheduled to work from 8 to 6 that day. With some long breaks in between. I was stuck in the same pattern of thinking and the same thoughts of I need to get back to these essential things are that important to my showing up. And I had a productive day of getting things checked off a list that needed to be checked off as well as treating patients. I was able to catch up with Tracy, the wonderful person I am blessed to share my space with, and just be in the moment. My last person came and then it was time for me to pack up and drive home. Rather than focus on the fact that my drive home is now 40 minutes I decided I would listen to my meditation on the way home. The meditation of the day was The Power of Conscious Relationships. The centering thought : “I enfold my relationships in pure consciousness.” The basic idea is that when you approach your relationships from the standpoint of living in the present, conflicts and challenges are seen as opportunities and increase our ability to promote positive change around us.
So I am sitting at a red left turn arrow, two lanes to turn left in the front of the most medial lane, repeating this centering thought. I’m having a moment outside myself, my insistent chatter turned off and just staring straight ahead as the main light turns green, the arrow still red. As quick as the main light turns green the guy in the front of lateral left turn lane next to me darts out crazily in the middle of the intersection. I calmly check that the arrow is still red, think that guy must not be aware of that and am thinking that was a pretty bad choice to make. No judgement attached. Just aware of the negative impact that is possible from that choice. Still sitting between the line, the arrow still red I have a full view of what is about to happen. The whole image of what is about to happen before it is going to happen and for some reason my higher power, my guides have kept me safely tucked back behind the line with an arrow that never stays red for the whole green straight through traffic. I see the car think there is a clear moment, I see the fact that there is not. I see how close he comes to making it through the left turn and how close he is actually not. And I have to sit there with calm detachment because there is literally nothing I can do to change what is going to happen in these seconds of that one choice of this individual. The car gets T boned on the back right passenger side from a car clearly just going with the green light forward 100 percent right in going forward at the speed she is traveling forward. I see the impact, the car that made the turn spin around and the car that was going straight head straight toward the stopped traffic facing to the West. Her car smacks in the middle of the median in the traffic pole rather than head on the three sets of cars that could have been. I’m still having to sit at the light because the arrow is still red and I sit and watch that both people in the car are motionless for 30 -40 seconds before I finally get a green arrow.
And with this arrow I know I need to pull in to the parking lot and check on the people in the car closest to me because I can see that only one other person has gotten out of their car to check on the woman who hit the pole. And so I speed into the Walmart parking lot and jump out of my car and run to the other car, the one who made it all happen. At this point the dad is pulling a girl of about 8 from the side that was hit and putting her in the middle of the street and the younger sister of about 4 is crying hysterically because all she sees is her sister not responding laying in the street. I go to the girl laying in the street taking her pulse, rubbing her head and talking to her getting her to open hers eyes. Making a connection with her to stay somewhat conscious. There is no blood. There is shock from the impact. The impact that she felt most because it was her that got the direct hit. I am waving my iPhone flashlight in her eyes gently pushing acupuncture points because this is the magic I know second best to the magic of touch. Her sister is crying and I look at her and put my other hand on her and tell her its okay she is just in shock. Her body is trying to protect her. She looks at me with softness because I feel she is grateful that it is not just her and her dad at that point. Her dad is standing up away on the phone with 911. The medical team shows up and I move to the side and wait because I know I should stay as a witness at this point. They give the little girl on the street some sugar water, stand her up and she is fully conscious. Off she heads in an ambulance conscious and alert now and I am full of gratitude for this.
At this point waiting, I get to meet the woman in the other car as she comes across the intersection with the man who got out of his car to check on her. There were only two of us who got out. And while I am grateful that there were two of us, I am also shocked there were just two people here out of the many cars that were around us when this happened. The woman is older and shaking, she sees that there were children in the car that hit her. She is in her own shock. I can see her questioning her choice that she in fact had the green light and trying to come to a place. I put my hand on her back and rub it and tell her I saw the whole thing and she did nothing wrong. That she couldn’t have done anything to change what happened. She has a burn on her left hand from the airbag. It is cold and none of us have jackets and we are all standing shaking and waiting. I thank the other man for stopping and for helping and that was really kind of him. And we talk and we wait and the woman keeps reaching out and touching us and thanking us for stopping. And asking us to help her dial her husband so she can tell him what happened. And again reaching out and touching us and thanking us for staying as we are doing the same.
Three strangers comforting each other. Standing for one another outside ourselves. She was heading to piano class. I was heading home and the other gentleman was heading to the opposite side of Tucson to his home. I have no idea where the father was headed hurriedly with this two daughters. I only hope that he has had time to reflect on his choice he made that night.
I feel we are most powerful when we stand outside ourselves and stand for others without attachment to the outcome. I think from that place we truly push ourselves to make the changes we need to make for ourselves to be better. I think this is how we regrow as a community. This was my gratitude gift I was given for Thanksgiving.
That night made me think, reflect, and I again told myself I needed to make these changes in my routine that benefit me so I can continue to show up for others in the way I am meant to show up for them. People who know me know that I never impose myself on others, that I allow it to happen as it needs to happen. That me making a choice to stop and actively participate in that night was because I saw a need outside of my own insecurity of not minding my own business, to put my hands on someone’s else’s child to comfort them and to reach out and comfort another stranger without actively being invited in is not something I do regularly. I respect the right of people’s personal space and their own journeys. The right of them to come to me when it is their time to come to me.
Advent started Sunday night. My fiancé Grace is a Christian who practices these beliefs that I have not and I participate in them because I can see the beauty they offer and the way it brings us together as a family. And in that I believe it is the true practice of Christ. She lives her life in that model and is a beautiful example of living life that way. She pulls out this long packet of readings and my first thought was oy I have a long day tomorrow and I just want to be done with dinner and such so I can get ready for my week. I am also to travel to Boston to work on Wednesday so I am caught up in my little ego driven cycle of my mind. The reading for this week was The Darkness did not Overcome. The concept was how we have been taught this idea that the light is good and the dark is bad. That this is not a binary concept and that it has brought on other unhealthy and destructive concepts to society. It was about the gift of darkness and how life needs that dark safe space to grow. I love darkness. I love the stillness and I love the quiet time and reflection. I love when I get those moments because they allow me to show up the best I can for others and myself. The question Grace posed to all of us at the table was name some good gifts of darkness. I honestly had no answer. I should have been full of them. But as I explained above where my mind was at the table and where my resistance was. I said some generic answer and moved on with my night.
So I am telling you all this because I am gifted with some serious help from beyond that when I’m finally reaching a breaking point to destructive ways or habits I am set in, that the universe will provide circumstance for me get it. Some real, to the point tangible events happen that make me step back. The beginning was the accident earlier that week. The next was that night.
I woke up at 1 am Monday morning feeling like someone was stabbing an icepick in my left throat and ear. I was delirious and in pain and I put my hands on the area trying to will my qi to go there and calm it down. I did this for hours and it would come and go and I drift off and come back. And it was still there. I finally got up at 5 am and took an ibuprofen( which I only take as a last resort, I will try and ride anything out) and crawled back into bed. I woke up to make Santi’s lunch at 630am with a wicked pain in my throat and fever realizing that I started at the cancer center at 9 and had no way to reach those people because I don’t have any of their contact information. I can’t pull myself to work on them because I would be putting immune compromised people in a very vulnerable situation and I had no idea what I had. All I had was pain and fever. No cough, runny nose. I somehow managed to figure out how to get a hold of the first two appointments, cancel them and put myself back into bed. It felt like tonsillitis and I had this before and I knew how to ride this out. I did laundry because I had a full Tuesday and Wednesday of work and I was flying out Wednesday after I worked to go to Boston so I knew I had to be ready and I had no time to be sick.
Everything kept getting worse. I was on rotation of Tylenol and Ibuprofen at this point every three hours which is impressive for me because I always do western medicine as my last option. Monday night was filled with a choking throat, constant fever, inability to sleep and be comfortable. The pain was now refusing me to swallow, stabbing in my ear. I woke up in the middle of the night and gave myself acupuncture. That was the only thing that allowed me relief to dose off and I lost a needle in bed. Which Grace was kind enough to help me find at 3 am in the morning. Tuesday morning came and I immediately drove myself to the walk in clinic to be diagnosed with Strep throat. Strep throat. I have never had strep throat in my life. The RN kept asking who exposed me, was I around someone who had it, how do I think I caught it. I had no idea. Except imagine me trying to respond barely being able to open my mouth and use my throat. She asked me a pain level and I was like this is definitely a 9 or 10. Again, I am never one to fail into a place of helplessness. I happily accepted the prescription for antibiotics, shivered while I waited for them, realized that there was no way I was working that afternoon or flying to Boston. Or even the rest of the week. Everything I was preparing in my mind for during the dinner conversation Sunday night was being canceled moment by moment and there was nothing I could do about it because my body had literally shut down. I was literally being forced in the dark of my room, the only thing that felt good. I did not watch tv, I did not read. I sat in ball with myself trying to will myself places of meditation to remove myself from the pain, the choking that would happen anytime I would fall asleep. I couldn’t eat, had to torture myself to drink. I was constantly cold and I was quarantined because I wanted to not share this wonder with anyone else in the house. I was literally in moments of darkness, feverish choking moments. I was giving myself acupuncture two/three times a day which would allow me moments of 10/15 minutes of sleep. My hands around my throat willing healing. The words change that my mom taught me to say to remove myself from pain from toothaches as a child going through my head.
The question of name some good things that come from darkness.
My answer acceptance.
In all these feverish moments I was seeing all my resistances.
All of them.
And how they were holding me back. My resistance to how my life was going. My lack of routine. My crazy schedule which I loved and which I also had no time to recharge with. My resistance to seeing how I have set myself up to this schedule, resistance to the patterns and habits I have created. And the small steps needed to change them. And how simple it really all is.
And how resistance leads to some many other things in my life, my family’s, society that have been hindering forward movements. And how some of the greatest movements in social justice that have happened is not when we have resisted the truth but when we have accepted them and seen them in their full existence. That is place where true forward movement was began.
And this is where darkness has brought me. That I need to make these changes I have said I have needed to make. I need to make them now, not some day or when this or about this other person or event. I need to stop resisting this. I am killing myself by not. I am burning myself down and my immune system. I am failing to show up for others the way I promise myself and set every day. I am not leading an example to help others heal themselves in their work with me. I am failing to show up for myself.
This is where darkness has brought me.
For the first time in my 41 years of life I understand.
Acceptance.