Winter comes

Peace Prayer of Saint Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.

This was my mom’s favorite prayer. I did not grow up religious. But I was exposed to spirituality and how to be in this world. When my mom passed this was the prayer that was on her cards at her funeral. It has been 30 years and for the first time in my life I actually heard the meaning of this prayer during a meditation this morning. For the first time in my life I have been ready to hear the words to this. It is shocking to me because I have a morning routine everyday that basically sets up these intentions. To be of service to others and a vessel of a higher intention greater than me. 

In the spirit of hearing for the first time, actually listening I have had many moments these past 6 months to reflect. In the intention of moving through fall properly this year seeing I actually witnessed the process first hand in the shedding of leaves and harvesting of squirrels I again have become in tune to greater process of seasons and what they mean physically, spiritually, and emotionally. 

One of my greatest moments I have been working through this year, well actually since Labor day is the actual loss of more of the little hearing I have had most of my life. For those of you that have been part of my process here in Boston know that I lost more than half of my hearing when I was 3 years old due to a fever. I have no hearing in my left ear, and I had/have conversational hearing ability in my right ear and pretty much limited to that. I have gotten by learning to read lips and read the person beyond what is being said. COVID has introduced masks, which has made it a struggle and then on Labor day, my new phone blew out my ear. It wasn’t intentional, I did not have ear phones in nor did I have have my volume on full blast. But for some moment, some reason, It was on full blast and the message static blew it. I had weeks of muppet hearing and muffled sound. Like a speaker being blown out. I’ve needled it and taken herbs and it gets better. And then like some things, some days are worse than others.

I share this story for two reasons:

One so I don’t have to share with each of you before treatment after not being here for two years that I now have even more difficulty hearing and then with a mask on, some days it makes even more challenging. And when I ask you to repeat yourself its because I could not quite hear what you said. I have been evaluated and will in the early part of this year find the perfect hearing aid. 

Two, because I was angry at first. I was frustrated, confused and lost about it. I have carried deep shame of being on the extreme side of hard of hearing my whole life. I was teased and taunted as a child because of how I talked and learned to communicate. And here, one of my biggest barriers and embarrassments to myself out in the world had been blown further than I ever imagined. Here it was put in my face and I have had to learn how to relive with this aspect of myself, accept it and work and rebuild my practice in a city I have been missing from for two years. It triggered a lot of about my worth, who I am and what I am. As I said in two emails before, release and let go. Release and let go. 

Breathe.

Release and let go. 

Every moment is a blessing. Every moment is a gift. Even when it does not feel like it. Every moment I have a chance to be and show up differently. 

A new level of acceptance.

And as I began this email, a new level of hearing things for the first time. A new level of intuition and listening is now available to me. 

Not all things are serious here. 

The first snow of the season for us. The first time we have ever had to remove snow from our car. As you can see we are unaware that is illegal to drive with snow on your car or that there are tools for removing it from the car. Grace attempted to blow the snow off as if it were a dandelion ready to be released in the wind and Santi took his little hands trying to fluff it off. The wipers were turned on as an attempt to brush it off the windshield landing itself into a pile the car. I used a plastic blueberry container to try and swipe it off the roof. Yes we are desert folks living for the first time in a land of seasons and weather. We learn to laugh at ourselves and these little moments. 

This is what the end of the season is about. This is what we must learn as we head into the end of another year and the beginning of a new year. 

More weather, more snow, more unexpected moments for us to learn from.

In health, wellness, and love.

Namaste.

Jess